Tyler, the poor boy, has to go back home tomorrow, to the place that was once called “city upon a hill”. Yeah, I know, he has been crying, too, so don’t be emb(e)arrased (sorry, inside joke) if you shed a tear or two. Anyways, his mum is looking forward to having him back (or so she says) so we want to make sure he gets through security at the airport (and we all know these guys can be nasty if you have a dead hooker and / or a meat grinder in your hand luggage).
So here are some rules:
1) Do NOT take a dead hooker in your hand luggage. Even if it means leaving behind some of your DNA.
1b) In the unlikely case you still DO happen to surprisingly find a dead hooker in your hand luggage and are asked why you carry one, DO NOT answer: “Because I’m a muslim.”
1c) IF (and only if) you happen to accidentally say: “Because I’m a M…” STOP right here and turn the sentence into: “Because I’m a Merican.”
2) Do not take a meat grinder, it could look odd – especially in combination with a dead hooker.
3) If you insist on taking a dead hooker and a meat grinder against our better advice, at least leave your favourite Kurt Vonnegut novel behind, and maybe also Upton Sinclair’s “The Jungle” (although I have to say that it IS an amazing book about the meat-packing industry!).
3) Do not have a gin and tonic in your hand while trying to get through security. (Come early enough and you can buy a bottle TAX-FREE after getting through security).
4) In the unlikely case that you are asked if you know any Iranian people, say: “NO!” and look very convinced of it even if you’re not. If they ask you: “Why?”, say: “Because I’m a M…erican.”
5) Whatever happens, whatever you find in your hand luggage that doesn’t belong there, stay polite. Smile. Don’t get angry even if they do. Don’t say something stupid, especially not something like: “An idiot in uniform is still an idiot” (Even if it’s true.)
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